Books You Just Can’t Read in Public

I do a fair amount of reading in public – in line, on the Metro, at bars or restaurants. But there are some books that you just can’t read outside your house – for a variety of reasons. Below is my list of books that you should just leave on your nightstand.

Sperm Wars – Now, I can’t say enough great things about this book. It’s written by an evolutionary biologist, and I learned mountains about the science that underpins reproductive choices. And about how many of those choices aren’t choices at all, but are instead primordial impulses hard wired into our genetic code. I made the mistake of reading this in public and it was a constant nightmare. Men everywhere see a woman reading a book called Sperm Wars and think it’s some sort of invitation. C’mon, guys! I’m trying to learn something here. I’m not a pirate hooker, and I’m not out looking to be topped off with your seed.

American Psycho – Another fabulous book that has a lot to say about the greed and decadence of the Reagan era. That said, some scenes are so violently graphic that at one point, I had to get off the Metro on my way to work because the book was making me physically ill – I almost whorfed on a packed red line train. You need to be close to your bathroom when you get into this book. The rat scene in particular would make any sane person lose their lunch.

Mein Kampf – Any student of history needs to read this book. But especially in this era of economic woe and flash mobs, reading Mein Kampf out in public is red meat for the anger mill. No one wants to be called a Nazi and start a race riot, so just keep this book to yourself. I have not read this book in public, but it is in my house – I was, after all, a history major in college. Even having it on your shelves at home is a controversial choice. I can’t even begin to describe some of the debates I’ve had over this one.

Fear of Flying – I hate talking to people, especially during my morning commute with a train full of strangers. But when you read Erica Jong in a public space, invariably some 50+ year-old Angie Dickenson type will want to chat your ear off about the zipless fuck. I don’t want to talk to you, I don’t care about your opinions and I especially don’t want to discuss sexual politics with strangers. Write a letter to Gloria Steinem, ladies. She’s more likely to be interested than I am.